I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Damn victory sex feels great
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
