Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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