Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
