Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
