I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
ttyl tear gas
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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