I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
