And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
