Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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