My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
