I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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