I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
