On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
