Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
