Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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