Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
