the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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