my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
