Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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