I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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