I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This baby is an asshole
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize