Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
