I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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