it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
