Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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