im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT âTHE SLAMHOG!â
I DONâT WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named âSlam Hogâ not âThe Slamhog.â Second, itâs top of the line. Third, donât dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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