Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
