The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
