she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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