My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize