Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
