Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
