I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
