i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
