Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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