I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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