it was like eating out sand paper
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
be right there i have to get my cape
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
