this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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