tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you win again, gameday.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
