I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
