my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
