I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
