just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
