no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
