Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
