Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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