my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
