Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
