just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize