A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
