I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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