My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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