My liver just broke up with me...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
