I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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